Race Me in a Lobster Suit Read online

  Copyright © 2019 by Kelly Mahon

  All rights reserved. Except as authorized under U.S. copyright law, no part of this book may be reproduced in any form without written permission from the publisher.

  The conversations in this book have been reproduced with the permission of the correspondents. Conversations have been lightly edited for grammar and spelling, and the names of correspondents have been changed to protect the privacy and/or dignity of the individuals.

  Library of Congress Cataloging in Publication Number: 2018943039

  ISBN: 9781683691044

  Ebook ISBN 9781683691051

  Ebook design adapted from printed book design by Andie Reid

  Illustrations by Graham Annable

  Production management by John J. McGurk

  Quirk Books

  215 Church Street

  Philadelphia, PA 19106

  quirkbooks.com

  v5.4

  a

  Cover

  Title Page

  Copyright

  Dedication

  Introduction

  !!! Lobster Racing !!!

  Private contractor needed

  *FREE tattoos*

  Free personal training sessions….

  Looking for someone to make my dreams come true

  EXPERIENCED KNITTER NEEDED

  Looking for someone to help me make a racket

  Need a good laugh!!

  ANIMAL SOUND IMPERSONATOR NEEDED

  Out of loop Mom desperate to learn secret language!

  ASSISTANCE EATING BURRITOS

  HELP finding ants…………

  Snake Fashion Show Help

  Looking for a nude model to bring to art club (male or female)

  Need a date for company holiday party

  **Free mattress**

  Beggin’ for Beggin’ Strips

  Volunteers for FREE cryotherapy

  PERSONAL “CHEF”

  House sitter needed for upstate manor

  Piñata wanted

  *** Tea Party ***

  Help finding cell phone……

  Need exterminator/exorcist

  Someone to keep my family in line at my 4th of July BBQ

  NEED URINE SAMPLES

  Looking to barter my stuff

  ~*Looking for actor to play dead*~

  Hype man needed to boost my confidence before meetings

  Acknowledgments

  About the Author

  Talking to Strangers

  You see that girl standing at the counter in the AT&T store, sweating as she tries to explain to the guy activating her SIM card why she’s buying a burner phone? Yup…that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I got there, and I’m gonna tell you, of course. But first I should probably explain how this whole thing started.

  Several years and a few jobs ago, I was feeling creatively unfulfilled and decided I needed some sort of outlet for my weird ideas (because “Baby formula ads are not the time or place for characters with quirky fetishes, Kelly”). So one day I scribbled down a request for someone to dress up as a lobster and race me around my apartment and posted it as an online classified ad. I had no expectation of anything coming of it. But when people started responding to the ad, I realized I might have stumbled onto something. I kept posting newer, weirder ads, and people kept responding, and, well, here we are.

  Race Me in a Lobster Suit is a collection of email conversations I had with strangers who responded to the fake ads I posted on the internet. In each case, you’ll see the original post and the full email exchange that resulted when someone replied and I tried to keep the conversation as lengthy and entertaining as possible. “Why do that, Kelly?” you might ask. Great question; I asked myself that same thing more than once along the way. Like the time I came up for air from my Google search about ways to perform an at-home exorcism. this page

  “How do you think of this stuff?” is another question I was asked a lot as I worked on this book. Basically, I throw a ton of ideas at the wall and see what sticks. Sometimes nothing does. In fact, a lot of the conversations went nowhere, and sometimes it took reposting the same ad a number of times before I figured out where I would take the story once someone replied. More often than I’d anticipated, I got caught off guard because someone was so willing to do something I never thought they’d do. Posing nude with a deadly animal, this page for example, or chasing me through Midtown Manhattan in a tarantula costume this page…that sort of stuff.

  In the process I encountered seriously funny strangers, and in my attempts to seem authentic I learned weird things. I know more about boa constrictor live births this page than I ever thought I would. And if you’re ever in the market for tranquilizer darts this page or bulk orders of fresh seaweed, this page I can point you in the right direction.

  But it wasn’t all absurd email conversations and funny web searches. The toughest part of the project was coming clean to the strangers I’d been telling the wildest lies of my life to. When one of us finally hit a breaking point I’d confess, and I was always nervous what the reaction might be. I’m happy to say that most people were amused by the banter. However, some were…not amused. Those reactions ranged from silence to a mixed bag of “Go [fill in the blank]”s.

  *nervous laugh*

  I’m not sure what your takeaway from this book will be, but I’ll share mine: people are funny. I can’t explain why some folks entertained the idea of my ads for so long. Maybe they wanted a good story, which is an attitude I can get behind any day. Maybe they were trolling me back. Or maybe we’re all just bored. Whatever the reason, I encourage you to talk to strangers. It’s very fun. And I’m not talking about the white van, “do you want some candy” types of strangers, OK? Don’t take my suggestion out of context. I’m talking about the strangers you meet online who are willing to come over and play dead for a fixed hourly rate. Those strangers rule.

  Back to that day at the phone store: I’d recently been emailing back and forth with a guy about dressing him up like a doll and brushing his chest hair on the Great Lawn in Central Park (minor details) before confessing that I’d made the whole thing up and that I wanted to publish our conversation in a book. Before he gave me permission to do so, he insisted we speak on the phone. So to avoid sharing my real phone number, I ended up in another awkward exchange, this time with a very nosy AT&T sales guy. For the record, it didn’t work out with the doll guy, and you won’t find that conversation in this book.

  But the same ad yielded another conversation with someone else, so look forward to reading “Tea Party” on this page. (All the people in this book allowed me to publish their emails, but no real names have been used.)

  In all seriousness, I sincerely appreciate you buying this book, especially if you’re not one of my mom’s friends. It’s not that I don’t appreciate all of my mom’s friends buying this book (because I do), it’s just that I don’t think they had a choice. Anyway, thank you for coming with me on this strange ride. I hope you laugh. And if you don’t, you can hire someone to tickle you until you do. I know a guy.

  Lobster Racing

  Looking for individual to participate in biweekly lobster race. The way it works is, we set up an obstacle course around my apartment in Flatbush. The first lobster to cross the finish line wins. No worries if you don’t have your own lobster costume, I have a spare (size M/L). Beginners are welcome this month since I twisted my ankle, which has greatly impacted my agility.

  I can be lobster #1!!! Please reply with more information. Where?
/>   When? Prize???

  I’m happy to tell you more about the races.

  Typically, it is one opponent and myself; however I have, on occasion, had people ask to bring a friend. I have one extra lobster costume if you do not have one of your own or if it is at the dry cleaners, etc. It is a size M/L, but can be belted if it is too large…you don’t want the fabric to get in your way while you’re crawling around.

  Before you come over, I will dress the apartment to simulate the ocean floor to make the race as realistic as possible.

  Some people like to come over earlier to help me set up the course to “level the playing field.” Not a problem, just let me know. We can do one night this or next week, let me know your availabilities so I can get planning.

  I can come tomorrow night, and will bring friend if that’s ok. Time/address/prize??

  Hey, I will need a little more notice so I can dress the apartment accordingly. Maybe we can plan for one night next week? I have to order all the seaweed and clams and stuff to spread all over. I also need to move my furniture into storage for the night. Your friend is more than welcome to join us as a spectator or as a competitor. The more, the merrier. Since I only have one spare costume, I ask that one of you dresses in a head-to-toe red jumpsuit to match the other racers as closely as possible. And I think I can get my hands on an extra pair of lobster lenses.

  Of course that is completely reasonable. Can you do next Tuesday? If not, just tell me when. My friend will come to spectate only.

  Ok great, if your friend is going to spectate, she will still need a pair of lenses to see in the pitch-black darkness. Do either of you have any allergies to seaweed or kelp of any kind? There will be a ton of it everywhere. Monday night I will dress the apartment to look exactly like the ocean floor and Tuesday we will race.

  No allergies. TUESDAY!

  Yeah! Now I just have to find a storage unit for the night and a neutral third party to come booby trap the apartment for us.

  I will train to make for the best race.

  You should practice slow crawling and scooting backwards by curling and uncurling your abdomen. Did you know lobsters can run at 11 mph? They are so amazing.

  If I think of anything else you can do to prep I’ll let you know.

  Thank you for your advice, that’s very honorable. This is my first lobster race, and I’m grateful to you for sharing your knowledge.

  Sometimes I tie my ankles together to really challenge myself. That’s how I got so good. But it’s also how I sprained my ankle.

  :( So sorry to hear. When did you start racing, if you don’t mind my asking?

  Oh, I would say I’ve been doing it for about a year now.

  WOW. Lol. A lot of experience, it should be good race.

  It should.

  Yup. So last night I was looking at the extra lobster costume and I realized it felt a little crusty. I guess the last person to use it was slipping and sliding around in some really wet seaweed, and the saltwater dried and left it stiff. Since my dry cleaner asked me to please stop bringing in my costumes because they “make his store smell like dead fish,” I decided to wear it around my apartment to break it in and make it easier to crawl and scuttle in. Well, I ended up banging into a book case and getting a nosebleed and there is some blood down the front of the costume (kind of a lot). I just wanted to warn you so you don’t get nervous. You guys probably wouldn’t have even noticed it since the costume is red, but I just wanted to assure you ahead of time that the blood is mine.

  Can you send a picture of the costume? I might be able to remove the stain prior to the race.

  It really blends right into the deep red fabric, it’s just a little bit darker in this large spot. I already threw it in the bathtub to soak anyway. I just didn’t want you guys to get scared by the amount of blood though in case you did notice it. I’ve gotten nosebleeds before, but this was a really bad one.

  Ok, so I’m moving all of my stuff into storage tonight! The unit comes out to about $400 for the night, not sure if you wanted to split that two or three ways since your friend is just spectating. I’m cool with it either way. If you have Venmo, that would be the best way to send me your share. Then tomorrow morning, I’ll give the apartment its ocean floor makeover and we’ll be off to the races! Tomorrow night for sustenance, I was thinking sushi? Thoughts?

  Hey, the apartment looks incredible. I would think a lobster actually lived here if it wasn’t my own apartment. It even smells exactly like the ocean. I woke up extra early and made a pit stop at Fulton Street market this morning for some fish. Definitely adds an extra touch. When can I expect you guys?

  Hey, are you guys on your way?

  Address?

  Hi. You emailed me so late, I fell asleep in my lobster costume waiting up for the race. I have to get rid of all of this seaweed and fish today because it stinks from sitting out since yesterday. I also have a voicemail from my landlord. One of my neighbors complained about the odor. He let me off with a warning. I also have to go pick up all my furniture by 1 pm.

  This was a lot of hard work, but I am willing to reschedule. Anything for a good race.

  Private contractor needed

  I’m looking for a private contractor to do some work in my apartment. I’m trying to install an indoor pool. And let’s keep this off the books. The apartment below me is vacant, so I’d like to try to bang this out before the first of next month. My living room is 18 × 20, so plenty of room for a decent sized pool. Don’t think a diving board is feasible, but am open to a professional opinion. Email me with a good time for you to check out my place and talk logistics.

  My name is Bob, I am responding to your posting. I have many years of experience. Your request is unusual, but doable. Give me a call and let’s discuss. I can be reached at xxx-xxxx.

  That’s great news. So I’d love to give you an idea of what I’m thinking. I’d like the pool to be deep enough on one end for diving but also have a shallow end for drinking and chicken fights. Not sure what the best way to do this is, but I’ll leave that to you because you’re the expert. Let me know what you think.

  A floor gradient from shallow to deep is standard in many pools. What is your budget for this project by the way?

  Well we can discuss because I have no idea what a project like this costs. Before I forget, another thought I had was to turn the smaller bedroom in the downstairs apartment into a cabana for changing and hanging out.

  Can you please text or call me. When are you looking to get started on this project

  Ironically, my phone got waterlogged over the weekend and is out of commission at the moment but I’ll be checking emails. We can start next week. I was also thinking about turning the larger bedroom downstairs into a tiki bar but we can just start with the pool for now and see what that runs me.

  Well if you own both floors we can build whatever you want

  Love to hear that you can make all of my visions come to life. Just to confirm, we are knocking out the 23rd floor ceiling/24th floor living room floor to accommodate an in-ground pool in my 24th floor apt. We will convert the smaller of two bedrooms in the downstairs apt into a cabana/changing room for pool guests. We will convert the larger bedroom downstairs into a fully functioning tiki bar. Lastly, I actually just rent the top floor. But the bottom floor is empty—no tenants for this whole month, so we’ll be fine to work in there. Let me know if I missed anything or if you have any questions/comments/concerns.

  That’s right but the downstairs one is totally empty, trust me. I keep checking. We’d probably have to create an entryway connecting the two apartments. Maybe directly to the bedroom, since the pool will likely fill the downstairs living room. I was thinking a cool spiral staircase or a slide.

  ??? you are asking me to build a pool in an apartment that’s not yours? two apartments that aren’t yours?


  No no no no no. Big misunderstanding. I’m asking you to put the pool in my apartment. Because it is in-ground, it will dip in to the apartment downstairs. We can forget all of the extra cabana and bar stuff down there if it’s a problem. Let’s focus on the pool.

  This whole thing is a problem. Quit wasting my time.

  We should probably discuss how to get all of the materials and your crew (assuming this is not a one-man job) past building security. I have a doorman, but if everyone comes dressed in suits and brings a change of work clothes, I don’t think they’ll even look twice. They’re mostly on their phones anyway.

  Free tattoos

  I’m looking for volunteers to let me tattoo them. Limitless freehand tats per customer unless a ton of people are interested. Don’t bring references as I probably can’t replicate them well or at all. I have very little experience with a tattoo gun, actually none, but I bought one off eBay and I need practice. If you’re willing to be my canvas you will be compensated with beautiful or just okay everlasting body art.

  Hey, I’m responding to the ad on craigslist about free tats. What kind of tats are you giving? I have some room and would let someone practice…depends on what size it is though.

  Hey man. Really excited to put this ink gun to use. I could do any size really, I’ll be freehanding it. Where were you thinking of getting a tattoo?

  I have some space on my thigh that I think I could give you and people won’t really see if it doesn’t go well since you’re learning.

  But what’s the free tat? Why can’t I bring in a reference? I was thinking maybe a skull with flames or something cool and simple like that.

  Loving where your head is at. Simple is good since this is going to be the first tattoo I ever give in my life. Feel free to bring a reference, I just can’t make any promises to how closely it will look like it. Honestly, I’m really pumped about this and I have some ideas myself for how to take this tat to the next level.