Race Me in a Lobster Suit Read online

  This is your first tattoo ever? Ok I’ll keep it simple then for sure so it will be more like a prison tattoo or something. Probably a skull. But what are your ideas? Also where are you going to be doing the work?

  I’ll be working out of my uncle’s shop for now. It was awesome of him to let me use the space. A skull sounds dope. How do you feel about text? Some bold block letters could be cool. I was thinking something like “BIG SAL & SONS AUTO BODY SHOP” and then under it in smaller letters it could say something like “Locally owned and operated.” Also I was thinking about a cool outline. Like of Staten Island or something like that? Just a thought.

  Hahaha. That’s really funny but I think I’ll just stick with the skull. Maybe a skull outline would be cool though. Let’s talk about it. Where’s your uncle’s shop, is he a tattooist too?

  Nah, he has an auto body shop out in Staten Island. He’s letting me use his back room. Anyway, I have plenty of other ideas too. I’m just throwing things out there. Feel free to be honest. A skull outline sounds sick. I should be able to do that freehand no problem as long as I stare at a picture of a skull right before. What did you think about the idea of some lettering?

  Hey man, if you don’t want to come into the body shop that’s cool too. I can set up a corner in my apartment if you’d rather come there. Did you give the lettering any thought? I wrote down a bunch of stuff I think is cool. I can share if you want.

  Oh hey sorry. I got in an argument with my wife about this but I think we worked it out. The body shop would probably be better as long as it’s clean. Some lettering might be cool, I’ll have to think about what it would say though. Maybe something like “ride or die” or “live before you die.”

  Dude. I fucking love that, excuse my French. “Ride or die” would be so perfect and it can totally relate to cars. Maybe we could put like a wrench or a wheel under it and then S&S Auto and a smaller line like “Quality craftsmanship from the #1 in Auto Repair” or something. What do you think?

  fnew plan s. skull with winghs that say FO EAALGES!!! FUCKING YWAHH WE FUCKOING WIUNS!

  Adn no car bullshiw

  Hey…Just making sure I got this straight. So now you want a skull with wings and four eagles having sex tattoo’ed onto your thigh? How much real estate are we talking about here? I’m afraid that many eagles might take up a lot of space. I’m also not confident I’ll be able to draw them mating but I will try.

  Sorry about that, I had too many beers during the game. I think that if we put the wings on the skull that’d be cool though, kind of like Viking or something, can you do that? Where did the eagle sex come from? I didn’t mention eagle sex. Also the letters should say “ride or die” not “go eagles.” Can I come in this weekend? Where’s your uncle’s shop.

  Sorry I must have misunderstood. I read that as “FOUR EAGLES FUCKING, YEAH WE FUCKING.” My bad. I agree the wings coming out of the skull would be awesome. And then above it we could put “SAL & SONS AUTO BODY SHOP, MAKING CARS FLY SINCE 1996.” The skull’s eyes can be little outlines of Staten Island. What do you think…

  My uncle’s shop is in Staten Island. Let me check with him about this weekend.

  What? No why do you keep bringing up cars is this some weird car repair ad thing?

  So my Uncle Sal and I made a deal that he would let me “rent” the office in his auto shop to do some tattoo’ing out of it if I agreed to do some marketing for him. I thought I could just buy some ad space to promote the shop but I wound up spending all my money on a tattoo gun instead. I didn’t think it through. He told me I better find a way to keep my end of the bargain or I’m out, so I figure if I tattoo an ad for the shop onto someone, that’ll shut him up. Like a walking billboard. I bet everyone who sees it will want to know where you got your cool tattoo. I can still incorporate the skull and I can think of some other cool slogans if you want too.

  Will I get a discount for him fixing my truck at his shop? If he will give me a good deal on fixing my car forever I’ll think about it since the tattoo will be on me forever.

  Yeah but the tattoo is free. I’m giving you an amazing permanent piece of art. Don’t you think that’s enough?

  No it’s an ad for your uncle. And you’ve never tattooed before so it’s not going to be good. I want my truck fixed. A mouse died in the heater vent and I can’t get it out and they said it’d be 1000 dollars to fix it which is stupid. If your uncle wants an ad on me, I need to have my truck repaired for free.

  Dude come on, I thought you trusted me. Look my uncle isn’t gonna go for this. I wasn’t even gonna tell him about the tattoo until after I did it. I thought if it looked cool, he might like it. But there is NO WAY he’s gonna be cool if then I tell him he has to do a $1000 repair job on your truck for free. He’d actually lose his shit and maybe kill me. I need to do this for no cost to him…or me because like I said I spent all my money.

  Ha no. I’m not going to let you tattoo me with your uncle’s auto repair shop for free with your bad tattoo. I bet he’s bad at fixing cars anyway, otherwise why’d he let you tattoo out of it.

  Look, I get you’re angry about the discount but my uncle and cousins have been in the business since 1996 and trust me they know cars, ok. If somebody wants their car fixed in Stapleton Heights, they go to Sal & Sons. That’s first off. Second off, I don’t know why you’re on the attack. I’m trying to draw something really cool on your body for no cost at all and you want to get greedy. I said I’d do the skull you wanted, I was just throwing out some ideas to make it better and unlike any other tattoo out there. How many times have you seen the same plain old skull with wings? Probably a million. What if I sweetened the pot and throw in a few mousetraps for your truck? Will you let me do the tat then?

  Also can I do it on your back or chest because I went back and looked at how many letters there are and it’s a lot. We’re gonna need way more room.

  You haven’t done a tattoo before so of course it’s not going to be good. You’re practicing. I’m doing you the favor because I’m letting you practice and I don’t want an ad for a shop on me for free. NO. And I don’t need mousetraps for my truck thank you the mouse is already dead and it stinks which is why I need the repair. I also don’t like being tricked. Thanks no thanks goodbye I hope your uncle gets mad at you and you learn a lesson.

  Free personal training sessions

  Looking for volunteers to try out my new full body workout program. This new extreme conditioning program will sculpt your muscles and your confidence in no time through high intensity interval training and protein. The program is called “Meat Your New Body,” and I will be shooting workout videos around NYC in the upcoming weeks as marketing materials. Don’t miss your chance to be among the first to jump onto NYC’s latest fitness craze. Guaranteed there will be studios specializing in this popping up across the city over the next few months. Email me if interested and I’ll send you a bit of what the program entails.

  I’m willing to give some free personal training sessions to get the ball rolling. If it’s ok, I’d love to document your transformation.

  Hi. My name is Donnie. I would like to hear more about your workout plan.

  Ok, can you tell me a bit about your current workout routine? What type of exercise, how many times per week, etc. This will determine where we start and what materials we should have on hand.

  I usually do 30 minutes on the treadmill to start and then lift weights. Mostly arms and legs. Don’t really do abs or much else.

  Nice. The great thing about this program is that it is a series of workouts using protein at its core. I can send you a sample circuit if you’d like so you can get a feel for what I’m going for.

  Sure. I never really got into the whole protein thing so I’d like to know what you have in mind.

  You got it my man. Here is a small taste of my customized workout routine. A combination of plyo
metrics and cardio will help you lose weight and beef up at the same time.

  In this plyometrics training exercise we explosively toss a Virginia ham back and forth for 5-8 minutes to develop strength and dynamic flexibility.

  In this endurance workout we wrap our lower halves in slices of lean deli cut meats like Ovengold roasted turkey to increase our body weight and then hop on the treadmill for sprints.

  Hanger steaks are a great way to add difficulty to an exercise you’ve mastered. Adding a few pounds of beef to this traditional core-focused move will make all the difference.

  Happy to answer any questions and to get the ball rolling. Let’s talk schedules.

  Is this a joke?

  No, I have spent months coming up with this program. Why?

  Sure, but this is a brand-new take on the same old boring routine, with protein quite literally at its core. Many people don’t understand the importance of protein when it comes to working out. These items serve as our equipment, yes, but double as fuel. Between sets, can you take a bite out of a medicine ball? No. After sprints, can you chow down on the treadmill? I don’t think so. Ever tried biting into a dumbbell? I wouldn’t recommend it. But a T-bone steak or a country ham? You can take a bite and turn it into pure muscle right on the spot.

  Yeah I don’t know if it works like that.

  Leave it to me, I’m the expert. Look, I can customize the workout to your problem areas, fitness goals, you name it. And we’re only just getting started here Donnie. Here are a few more exercises from my program that will really focus on that core of yours.

  In this new take on the traditional plank, we will take this core-centric exercise to the next level by adding a flank steak to your back every 30 seconds as you continue to hold the position, adding weight and difficulty to really challenge your midsection.

  Stand with feet hip-width apart and grasp the ends of two mid-size albacore tunas by the tails. Bring both arms overheard before forcefully slamming the fish to the ground and lowering into a high squat. Straighten and repeat.

  Let me know your availabilities and we can get started ASAP.

  To be honest this sounds really crazy. Where do you plan to do these workouts? In public? And where are you getting all of these meats from?

  Anywhere. Parks, gyms, the Y, you name it.

  LMAO do you even know how nuts this all is? I’ll just join a gym. Good luck with your meat program. I’ll be on the lookout for people exercising with huge pieces of meat.

  Come say hi if you see us.

  Looking for someone to make my dreams come true

  Over the last few weeks I’ve been having a series of recurring nightmares that I can’t get to go away. My shrink chalks it up to stress. I guess that makes sense since I have so much on my mind right now. What I’m looking for is someone to come over to reenact my bad dreams with me. I keep a dream journal, so I have them all written down. I think if I fall asleep to them happening in real life, my subconscious might start doing something different once I fall asleep. I say it’s at least worth a try.

  Hi! My name is Drew and I’m an actor living in NY.

  Your request to have someone act out your dreams with you actually sounds super interesting. Weird, but interesting. Would you be willing to do it over Skype? I’m really busy and kinda live in the middle of nowhere, so commuting would be hard for me.

  Also, to be totally honest I’m not comfortable doing this with you in person right off the bat, but maybe if we get to know each other after a while?

  Let me know.

  Hey Drew, thanks so much for emailing. My shrink thinks what will make this role-playing useful is actually acting out the scenarios. So I think you would have to be here to do it in person. If you’d like I’d be happy to tell you about the dream and how I imagine we would act it out.

  I’ve given it some thought, and as long as my friend Vince can come and hang out we should be fine. Just at first, to make sure everything is safe. I’ve met some real weirdos in this city hahaha.

  Anyway, tell me about your dreams. Wow, now I sound like a shrink.

  BTW, how much are you offering for this again? I don’t remember if I saw in the original post.

  Sincerely,

  Drew

  I guess it’d be ok for your friend Vince to join us. Honestly I’ve had some other recurring nightmares that he could even act out with us…In fact a third person would even be helpful. But for the past several weeks I’ve been having this one dream about a giant tarantula that I need to tackle first.

  In the dream, the tarantula lowers himself from the ceiling above my bed to attack me. He is wielding eight sharp knives and once he reaches the bed, he chases me all around. It’s absolutely horrifying. When do you think you and Vince would be able to come help me?

  Wow, that sounds terrifying! I can understand why you’d want it to stop!

  I can ask him, but Vince doesn’t participate in the things I bring him along to. He’s just there to make sure everything runs smoothly. Don’t worry though, he’s very discreet and usually stays out of sight. But as long as he comes along, I’m more than willing to help you re-enact anything you’d like! :) I do charge an extra 60 dollars an hour though when Vince is there, to cover his expenses.

  But like I said, after we get to know each other a little better, we might not need him.

  Let me know if that sounds good.

  Sincerely,

  Drew

  Hey Drew,

  I’m so happy you guys are in. I had that dream again last night, and enough is enough. So, I was thinking you could dress up in a giant tarantula costume and lower yourself from the ceiling above my bed, just like in the dream. You should be thrashing around and waving the knives. I’ve been researching online and I think we can fasten some kind of rope and pulley system for you to lower yourself down with, I’ll probably need some help setting that up.

  As for Vince, he can stay out of sight in my bathroom, which lord knows, could use a proper scrubbing.

  By the time he’s done with that and the shower molding, we’ll probably be finished with the knife fight and heading out on our chase…I suspect you’ll want him trailing us so he can keep an eye on you, yes?

  Let me know how all of that sounds and if you’d like any more details. Really appreciate you and Vince tag teaming this one.

  Hey, apologies. I’ve been out of town.

  So, a couple things. First, the short answer is yes, but under a couple conditions. When I do kink work with people, I usually set a couple ground rules beforehand, which we can go over in person. It makes sure everyone is safe, and we know what’s allowed both personal boundary wise and legally, don’t want either of us to do something that might get us in too much trouble;)

  But as far as the rigging goes, I think I’d feel safer doing that with some sort of purpose-built rig, or if you had a contractor come in and install something into a supporting structure. Years of theatre have taught me that it takes more than you think to support human weight.

  Finally, what’s this about a chase?

  Also, you’re more than welcome to ask Vince to clean…but I don’t know how well that will go over.

  Sincerely,

  Drew

  Hey, a couple of things on my end as well.

  As for lowering yourself onto the bed, right now there’s a large antique chandelier over my bed. If you’d prefer, you can dangle from that and drop onto the bed. I think it’s pretty sturdy and I’ll roll out of the way so you don’t land on me. I have like ten pillows on my bed, so don’t worry about getting hurt and please try not to break the bed. Since you’re in theater and all that I’m sure you must know a few costume designers, right? Can you get your hands on a giant tarantula costume?

  As for the chase…right after he throws the final knife at my head in the dream, the sp
ider chases me out of the apartment and through the streets of Manhattan. The dream usually ends in an alley. I punch the tarantula square in the jaw and then lock him in a Dumpster. Again, Vince can 100% be present for this, but he cannot interfere.

  Last but not least, I was just trying to make Vince’s being there worth the additional $60 per hour. If he doesn’t want to clean my bathroom, that’s fine. I expect we’ll be making quite a bit of noise with our reenactment. How is he with babies? I doubt my 2 month old is going to sleep through this.

  First, I want to apologize for assuming this was a kink thing. Given the complexity of the situation, I just assumed that it was something along those lines.

  That being said, I don’t think this will be quite the right fit for me, especially if there are children involved.

  This seems like something you should explore doing with your mental health professional.

  Good luck!

  Drew, Vince and my husband can handle the baby. You would be dealing with me only. I’ll pump beforehand so they will literally have no reason to interrupt us. Let me know if this changes your mind.

  It does not.

  Experienced knitter needed

  I’m looking for a skilled knitter to come over and knit me into a cocoon for the rest of the winter, leaving just a small mouth hole for food and a butt flap. It’s starting to get very cold out, so I won’t be leaving my apartment until spring, when I emerge from my woven capsule. I do this every winter as a symbolic self-metamorphosis ever since I watched a butterfly do it at the Bronx Zoo. Knitting can be completed in a day or two, depending on your availability.